I feel like I’m reviewing a fucking book instead of a bottle of wine. Why do the famous chefs who endorse or harvest their own line of wines have to write “by (blah blah blah)” on the label. As if the name sells the wine. Almost like the name of a certain shyster author who does creepy commercials selling his books on his name rather than the quality…hmmm.. I sense an epidemic of douchebaggery. on the part of the chefs. In this case, I’ll let him live, because I don’t mind Tyler Florence and his cooking show. He’s not lapping at buffalo labia, like Guy Fieri, so all is forgiven. And he’s not a singer trying to make up for his sad ass, lap puddling, pudding cuddling music by playing a winemaker, like our friend and fellow garbage thief Dave Matthews.
The label is eye catching- a gorgeous blue and red label with embossed red on the name. Love it. Very classy, but not cheesy Americana type marketing like those lame fools at Wal-Mart selling expired potato salad on the 4th of July. I also like the price- Dylan picked it up for me and said it ran around $10.99 at Target. For the record? Worth. Every. Penny. The wine reviews on this blend are not kind ones. I beg to differ. I really enjoyed it.
This is a custom blended red. Whatever the fuck that means. I believe it is a cabernet blend, although there may be a little shiraz in there. Since it’s such a smooth blend, though, I think it’s mostly cabernet sauvignon. There’s not much of a fragrance to this one, once you open it up and have a good whiff. It’s fleeting, like the stink of a bear shitting in the woods after eating bad clams. The taste is sublime, incredibly smooth and strong. Be not fooled, my wine children, it’s a strong bitch you’re sitting down to sip (how many relationships have THAT disclaimer?) . It’s 13.5%. One glass, and G is crashing on the couch like Miss Scarlett with a potentially fatal case of the vapors. Two glasses? G is writing this review. (You have been warned). Taste wise I can taste a ton of plum, some blackberry, a whole hell of a lot of berry. There is, regrettably, almost no spice to this wine. It’s very one-dimensional as far as taste. The thing that stands out is that there being almost no spice here, means there is nothing to turn me off, and therefore, one keeps drinking the wine. The first time I had a glass- the day Dylan picked it up for me- I had a real motherfucker of a sledgehammer whirling down upon my head after the fact. It took me two hours to drink one glass, and eight hours to get rid of the headache. However they’ve harvested those grapes, they’re true motherfucking migraine grapes. Oh yes, they exist. And they’re hanging with the Tyler Florence wine brigade in this bottle.
But as much as I am complaining about the headaches resulting from drinking the wine, I cannot get over how there is not a single bitter aftertaste to this wine. There is no lemon-puss face upon trying it, nor no lemon-puss face after drinking it, nor any after finishing the glass after it’s been exposed to open air for a while. It maintains its delicious equilibrium throughout. I cannot honestly say the last time I remember a wine that is just enjoyable and not tasting like bitter grapes. (Push away those bitter grapes. Bitter grapes. Michael Hutchence wouldn’t mind this, I don’t think.). I paired spinach tortellini with it last time, that didn’t work so well. Today I paired some gluten-free noodles with marinara sauce and it paired beautifully. If I owned a piece of steak, I would have fired that sucker up and tried it with this wine. I think it would have been stupendous. I do think it’s true pairing is with pasta, however.
So my only complaint? is the headache. Both times I have had glasses I have had food in my stomach and ample glasses of water before and during the drinking of the wine. Both times? Killer headache. There are some long-lasting tannins in this wine, and that’s saying something. I also like a little pepper and spice in my reds usually, and there isn’t anything here. It’s just one-dimensional. But I didn’t mind it, because it’s such an even balanced wine. I would recommend it again. I would drink it again. I would likely not do so when i have to work the next day or get shit done, because you’re likely to be out on the couch like someone who splurged on too much pork, but it’s worth it.